It was a Sunday like any other, and all the boys were mad twisted on some hardcore drugs. We're talkin some wacky, fucked up shit. Stink, dick eggs, wiggle worms, the kind of drugs you only ever see in "scared straight" documentaries. Anyways, Dave, Frank and Pickle Boy were getting schtupid on some crazy illicit type schytt. Frank was shaking like a leaf and Dave was catatonic. As for Pickle Boy, well, let's just say he took a monster dump in his tighty whiteys. Unbearable. The stench, well, life was misery for the others. Suddenly, BANG! BING! BUNGUS! The DOOR was DESTROY'd. The culprit? A fucking cop........ "hAnds in the air you mother fuckin guys....." said the bacon. "OYOYOYOYOY" said the fellers, hands up like propellers. This was bad. The cop was probably gonna blast on em for doing some scared straight doc type drugs and various others, but then, the cop took off his mask. IT WAS A DIFFERENT COP! good fuckin gravy could this get any worse. The answer is yes. The cop shot everyone unprompted, cop style. The family baby crawled into the room to see what all the fuss was about, and he was all blasted up by the officer, who deemed the baby a threat to his safety. Then all of a sudden, POW! Kevin woke up. That was all a dream? But who's Kevin? Well just fucking keep reading bitch........ i'll tell you..............
kevin was a guy and im glad we got that covered so now we can move onto the real meat of the story. kevin worked at the pussy factory where they make pussy. im kidding thats not real. he worked at walmart. in the pussy aisle. im jk he was a stocker. stocking pussy. for real this time. he stocked so much pussy that one day a bunch of boxes of the stuff fell over on him and he literally drowned in pussy. the boys were all hi-5ing at his funeral. anyways so there was this other guy called down-widdit dave. no relation to dave from earlier who wasnt real. he lived in wisconsin at the Gun And Yarn store, or the GAY store for short. they sold guns and yarn. one trip to the gay store and youd have several guns and enough yarn to tie them all together and thats pretty epic i think. anyhow one day at the gay store, down-widdit met a guy. a kind of guy who could really make anyone go, "AUGH!!!" so anyway dave said "AUGH!!!" and the dude slipped on a banana peel and crashed thru the wall. it was a certified funny moment, and you can own the tape for just $99999999999999999999.01 and if you dont buy it you can just drop dead. i mean it.
So anyway as I was saying, Federico Bongchuffer arose from the ashes and got damn that boy was farting. Farting like nobody could smell. From the gaseous cloud, the Earth was born. That's right baby, we're takin' it waaaaaaaaaaay back tonight. The earth, born from the stinky-ass fart, it was populated in 7 days. First, the animals, from the lowly raccoon to the majestic bigger raccoon. Then, on the second day, came the bugs. All manner of fucked up critters. They were made to be SMALL because it would be hella crazy if they were dude-sized. Then came the plants on day 3 because the various creatures were getting stupid hungry. So that covers trees and such. Potatoes? Day 3. Onto day 4 and it's human time. First, the motherfuckers. Then, the dirtbags. Then we got the dorks, dweebs, nerds, geeks and so forth. Then all the rest. Day 5? No ideas. Pass. Day 6 was Oprah. Oprah got her own day. They called it Oprah Day. Day 7 was when they made Pokemon, but those proved to be too dope for real life so on day 8 they made them fictional. That's all the days. Now the party could get started. A bee ordered the pizzas and a dork got the beer. Oprah chugged that shit. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO go Oprah! Some various beetles swarmed the pizza. Get it, little dudes!
Flash forward to the current day. Bob Cokkenbhalz was taking a dump on company time. He took that dump for a good 30 minutes. Hell of a dump. He wasn't goofin' off or anything, he just actually and legitimately took a half-hour consecutive crap. Legendary. The toilet was utterly destroyed. Yowza! Anyway, at the same time, Pete Gardner of Anchorage, AK, was doing nothing of interest. Back to Bob. Bob got off the pot and wiped away his sin. Bob was sweating like a pig and his internal organs were all ruptured. Yowza! Marquis Wungus was there to take Bob to the Jahspital. At the Jahspital, Dr. Jah said that Bob needed new organs, but they couldn't find any so they threw Bob away. Bye-bye, Bob! Alright now lemme break it down for you all slow-like. Steve Wiggleford was driving his Ford Wiggler down the freeway doin like-a 20. Real fast. Paint was peelin off the hood. Dink Gurgleheim, sitting in the passenger's seat, was all pukin and making a whole deal of it. Suddenly, a small box was ejected from Dink's barf hole. He picked up the box and presented it to Steve. "Steve," started Dink, as he opened the box, containing a crazy-elaborate engagement ring. You won't find THAT at no Kay's. "Would you be my absolutely gay as hell husband?"
Steve took his eyes hella off the road to look into Dink's good eye. "Damn, Daniel... Ar ar ar ar ar!"The two collided with a large hadron collider and were slurped into a dimension where pickles are called dundlequacks but everything else was the same. This predicament really put their relationship in jeopardy. They needed some time apart, and they needed some time to fart. Suddenly, there was an explosion at City Hall in Anchorage, AK! Was Pete okay? I dunno. Who cares. Josefine Splungus was at her usual roost, a seedy gin joint no bigger than a coat closet called The Fat Bitch. As Jo drowned her sorrows in cheap, lukewarm lager, a heavenly light beamed down through the rafters. She looked up. It was... oh god... it was... Alright guys, before we get into it, I just wanna give a shoutout to this story's sponsor, Raycon. With Raycon earbuds, you can listen to things in regular or even bad quality. If you like to wear earbuds that are mid as hell, you should buy some Raycons. Thanks to Raycon for sponsoring this story! Anyway, let's get back to whatever the hell I was saying. So Martha McChungus was camping in Kentucky. Then she saw Bigfoot! Bah gawd! BIGFOOT! This was totally crazy-crazy. I nearly crapped my crap. Yowza. Bigfoot ran fast as all hell right up to Martha and PUNCHED HER HEAD CLEAN OFF!!!! This was extremely sad to Martha's 47 kids, who now had to be raised by Bigfoot. Bigfoot ain't no good parent. I should know - I'm Bigfoot Jr.!
As the firstborn son of Bigfoot, it pains me to no end to make the following announcement. It is no longer Toyotathon. Stop crying. Calm down. STOP CRYING! It will come back..... someday...... Anyways, let's check in on a much beloved character from earlier. That's right, Bill Wenis. He is here. He is on fire... literally! Bill's flesh is ablaze, and I am providing live coverage as events unfold! Mmmmm... smells like barbecue! LET'S EAT! Wait, no! Sorry, that's a person. I cannot eat a person. Unless....? haha... naw i lie... i wont eat him................ Anyways, back to our main character, Derkh Dzala. He was all like, "UNGH!!!" as he fell down all types of stairs.