Once in a lifetime, humanity is gifted a game so perfect in every way, that it could have only originated from divine sources. One of these such games is Video Olympics, the crown jewel of the Atari 2600, and of video games as a whole.
This is a game so perfect that it's difficult to describe. It's a game so innovative that you can't even play it with the standard joystick controllers. No, you need these twisty knobby controllers made specially for this game and the smattering of titles which stand in its immense shadow. I should also note that this single cartridges contains FIFTY, that's correct, FIFTY unique games. These blood-pumping action sports titles include, Pong, Foozpong and even, not for the faint of heart, Superpong. To elaborate further would only insult the majesty of Video Olympics.
The game has no music, but it doesn't need any. You wouldn't be able to hear it over the sound of your nuts being blasted off, anyway. Instead, your ears are graced with a variety of different pitched beeps and boops, like a heavenly choir of cherubs at play. Of course on the other end, you have the violent sounds of the ball getting stuck between the paddle and a wall or another paddle with no space in between. This sound could level buildings and exterminate all human life as we know it if the player forgot to turn the volume down. The sound design in this game is simultaneously heavenly and literally deadly, further cementing it as one of mankind's greatest achievements.
The graphics are pristine. They're humble, in that they're no more than they need to be. In a time where fancy, high-end graphics now seem to matter more than anything else, it's a breath of fresh air. The game looks good enough in monochrome, but the wide array of colors is so great that you may suffer sensory overload and lose control of your bowels. Upon finishing a game, the screen will cycle through colors which could send you into a trance. Bearing witness to this game is akin to beholding a monstrously beautiful Seraphim.
Sheer brilliance. The Galazar nebula wages war against the Roheigh people of the 5th Quadrant. The noble Galazarian Prince Keser, seeking the approval of his father, volunteers to battle the Roheigh, but finds himself stricken with their queen, Sarus. The two form an unlikely bond, and they must choose between their homeworlds and their love. When the day of their showdown arrives, the tension on the battlefield is intense. Keser had defeated the entire Roheigh army singlehandedly, but when he arrives at the throne room, his father looking on, he reluctantly assumes his battle stance, and Sarus does the same. What will be the outcome of this duel between lovers? Will love win? Or will love... die?
It's alright. It's pretty much just Pong.
Published 7/23/21